Men Don't cry

06 Feb 2007

Alone in my bedroom staring at the ceiling and surrounded by an unusual silence, I sit in tears. I just made a call to Sneha, to talk about my feelings and my condition but I could not speak a thing. She is so excited about our wedding this spring. How could I shatter her dream? What should I tell her? I just hung up. Men don’t cry that’s what people say but tonight I can’t stop crying. May be I am not a man anymore.

Sneha, the love of my life, she is all that a man could dream of. Beautiful, elegant, intelligent, soft spoken, respectful… what more could I have asked for? I was working as a network engineer in Boston when I first saw her at a friend’s party. Right there I knew she was the girl I wanted to marry. On her 22nd birthday I asked Sneha what she wanted and she replied that she wanted my love for the rest of her life. It has been 3 years since her birthday and there hasn’t been a moment we haven’t loved each other. We had our own small world where no one else was allowed.

It had been 8 years that I had left Nepal but I always knew I would come back I missed my home, my country, my culture, my friends and every little thing about Nepal. I wanted to make my own mark here. I was living a pretty good life in the United States but I was not satisfied. There was no one there to be proud of my achievements. I choose to be a poor first class citizen of my own country rather than a millionaire second class citizen abroad. I decided to come back and do something for my country. I knew Sneha couldn’t have the freedom and independence that she was enjoying there but still I wanted her to come back with me. When I told her about it she was hesitant initially. But she knew how deeply I was rooted to Nepal so she agreed. She had few of her assignment pending so she had to stay there a few more months before she could be back. As I packed my bags she stood at the doorway with tears in her eyes. I went near her and said “Next time I see you in Nepal you will be my bride and I want to see these same tears on the wedding day, so save them“ She smiled and replied “ I will be waiting for that day”. Before I broke down, I gave her a quick hug and left for the airport.

When I reached Nepal, I was so happy to be back. People kept saying that I was stupid to return to this country but I knew I had made the right decision. I went against the norm that once a person goes to America he doesn’t return back. For me no place in this earth was better than my country Nepal. I loved being here but I missed Sneha so badly. I would call her up everyday asking her to finish her work soon and she would just laugh seeing me so desperate. I talked to my parents and we decided to tie the knot as soon as she was back. We also decided to start our own work here with some savings we had made. It was my dream to work in my own country and I could see it coming true. Till Sneha was back I was free and I decided to take a short tour of Nepal. Together with my brother and his brand new black Pulsar we planned for one week tour to western Nepal. It was after 5 years later that I was riding a bike and I was enjoying it completely. On the 3rd day we were on our way to Butwal when suddenly it started to rain. We were just few kms away from Butwal so we decided to continue the ride despite the rain. I hadn’t heard Sneha’s voice for 3 days and it was killing me. As we drove through the rain I started thinking of our wedding. How would she look in her maroon wedding sari? I was visualizing her in my mind when I saw a huge truck approaching our bike. I grabbed the brakes only to realize that our bike was now skidding toward the huge hill on the side. I tried to control but before I could do anything darkness covered my eyes.

When I opened my eyes I was in a local hospital bed with bandage and plasters right from my lower abdomen to mid thigh. My brother just had few scratches and bruises. I thanked god that he was all right. After a lot of medical tests and couple of operations the doctors transferred me to a hospital in Kathmandu. It was then I realized things were not as simple as I thought. I asked the doctors here what exactly was wrong. I remember every word they said. “You had a pelvic fracture with urethral injuries and testicular torsion. To save you from slipping into shock we had to perform orchidectomy” The medical terms were not getting into my head. I snapped “What does it mean tell me clearly” He took a deep sigh and said “You had a fracture of hip joint which will be fine within months but you also had a few internal injuries because of which you can’t father a child. In simple words you are infertile” I went numb. All I could manage to say was “please don’t tell this to my family” and the doctor obliged. I was in hospital for complete two months. Sneha used to call me everyday in the hospital and every time she talked she cried. I somehow made her believe I was fine and asked her to continue with her work.

I haven’t said anything about it to anyone not even to Sneha. What can I say? How should I say? With time I have learned to hide my sorrow and smile as if nothing had happened. Every time I see a kid it reminds me of my incapability. Our wedding preparation will start soon and Sneha will be in Nepal within the next 2 weeks. She is so excited about the wedding and she calls me a couple of times in a day to discuss about wedding reception, wedding rituals and her wedding dress. She loves kids and I know she dreams of having her own kids someday. I remember her saying that she wanted twins, a girl and a boy. How can I tell her not to dream about it anymore? What if I tell her the truth and she still chooses to be with me .Will it be fair for me to marry her? If I leave her can she lead a happy life with someone else? I have heard that a woman is complete only when she becomes a mother. How can I let her remain incomplete throughout her life? In our society it is always the female who is held responsible for not conceiving. It is my fault but the society will blame Sneha tomorrow. How can I let her go through all those? I am now completely confused not knowing what to do. At times I think of telling her the truth on a second thought, I think of leaving her without telling her anything. It was my decision to come back to Nepal but will Sneha be happy here with me? Will I be able to keep my promise?